The GREAT ESCAPE!

What your 2010 New Year's Resolution?
let share ideas

ill start.

• organize my time efficiently
• get an internship at an investment bank/law firm during mid semester break
• get at least a D
• book tickets to bkk

new heights.

1. dudes, please bathe more. that includes washing AND conditioning your hair (and your privates- if you’re fancy and/or classy).

2. if you have dandruff, look into a specialty shampoo. selson blue or head and shoulders DOESN’T always do it. and flaky white chunks, falling from your scalp, are not sexy.

3. dudes! Wash your fucking towels! If they smell like mildew, chances are your dick is gonna smell like mildew too. I can’t tell you how many bummer blow jobs I’ve given to dudes who’s dick smelled like mildew. Oh, yeah- I actually can remember! ONE! I BROKE UP WITH HIM THE NEXT MORNING and i never saw him again; AND I’ve never let it happen again. but it haunts me like a bad dream. dudes, don’t ruin your sex life! fyi: girls talk! don’t let your reputation be annihilated just because you don’t like doing laundry. Just don’t.

4. knowing how to give good head AND actually practicing this talent on a woman gives you so much power. the more you make her cum, the more power you have.

5. if you CAN pay for dinner AND you just STARTED dating her, pay for fucking dinner! otherwise you really have no business bringing her to a restaurant to begin with. if you invite her- you pay for her!

6. be creative with your date ideas.

7. hold the door for the girl. it’s free you scumbag.

8. walk on the side of the girl, closest to the street. she’s not a prostitute, so don’t flaunt her to drivers- by like she is! also, you’re protecting her from being splashed by cars driving through puddles.

9. don’t walk in front of a girl like she’s a dog following you. trust me, it looks bad.

10. suck on her nipples dude. just do it. and a light nip caress with your hand, WHILE you’re kissing her, wouldn’t kill you either.

11. make a lot of money and have passion and drive. this is sexy.

12. and make her a mix CD why don’t you? if you do this at the beginning of the relationship, that’s great…. but if you surprise her six months or a year into it, just because you can-just because you WANT to… she will freak the fuck out and drop to her knees just to thank you with a blow job. and if she DOESN’T…. you have my full permission to punch her in the face with your dick! but you’ll have to do it quick, because your erection will totally be fading! hey, i never claimed to be a role model. I’m just thinking out loud here.

alexi wassi, you're a legend.

you're my favourite on call.

source: ps, lj & all the special peeps in my life.

havent met you yet

COME TO AUS!

superhero.

fav song of the mo.

so effin happy cz this year has been really great to me.
i wish i could tell you more but im currently rushing an assignment/procrastinating!
all i can say is that i should be in bali right now! FML

anyway, im going for a cruise/dinner tomorrow as an early bday present.
surprise much?
so excited it will turn out like titanic!
seriously then, fml.

thurday ive got a meeting then group assignment then having drinks with workmates.
friday, sat, sun work overload.
monday, assingment hand up, group assignment meet
tues home sweet home.

i can already smell the blackened skies (: sweet!

ps. km babe, i miss you! teehee

cater to you

can i be at multiple places at a time?
can i be multiple people at once?
will i manage to do everything i want in my lifetime?

i want to see more, do more, feel more but its so hard
im lacking the resources and i have so many responsibilities.

ps. watching SIA tomorrow!

short post

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

friends, we do stupid things.

friends, we do stupid things. god i miss you.

besides that, im having a pretty hectic schedule. plus my love for guitar hero and rock band. zomg.

ill be working this fri, sat, sun.
mll314 exam 19 nov
ielts test 5 dec
sia concert 10 dec
mll336 ass due 21 dec
msia 22 dec -10 jan
eco perak event 28 dec - 7 jan?
mll391 ass due 29 jan
mll314 ass due 26 feb

besides that, i got a job in msia while im back.
i cant decide if i should work though but the remuneration is epic. lol
i cant help myself..
anyway off to class toodles xx

brb

hola. im away from 8-13.
cant wait to see all of you mwah mwah.
smoke filled lungs + alcohol tolerance tip + endless conversations.
toodles. xx

crayon.

today, i feel so depressed.
i feel like nobody is saying the right things i want to hear.
i feel like nothing is going the way i want it to be.
i feel like i cant seem to do anything right.
i am so busy, its unbelievable.
and im only going to get busier.
im already struggling to keep afloat.
i thought that if i keep doing something, being active it would be okay but its not.
i am so stressed out but i dont even know why im so stressed out.
ok maybe i know why im stressed.
and i just want the right someone to tell everything that has been going on in my life.
i feel so fucking sad.
i feel so dissapointed, fuck.
wtf is going on??

ps. i saw your car at uni today and i lost my mind.
and i realize you were the best drug in my world.

night.
xx

how come i have so many people who care but yet i feel so alone??
i think im going crazy.

reckless indifference.

god, this is so different cz i thought i was moving forward.
but then, i got an email about 3 days ago.
initially i was surprised cz i didnt think you would ever speak to me ever again.
after everything.
you were so freakin pissed off, it scared me.
and now, i feel so elated.
honestly i cant seem to understand this feeling.

all i know is i havent moved anything around/deleted anything.
everything is still immaculate, in the same spot.
all ive done was look for excuses: im busy, ill do it later/ill get around to it.
i couldnt believe my eyes, i had to double check that i had received that email.
how lame.

and why so many people ask me why.
goddamit, ill tell you why its so perfect.
because it was irresponsible love.
a love so pure, without boundaries.
and i fell in love with that reckless indifference.
im looking for that kind of love but somehow im afraid of it.
now all i can say is everything changes but everything stays the same.

my safe bubble may have just been thrown into recourse.

donnoh okay

10.58pm, you are online again.
and im playing cat and mouse.
sigh.



I don't mean to be decadent
I might sound like a hedonist
But the simplest way I can put it
You become a habit
The more I consume, the more I gotta have it
Ain't no such thing as too much
If you gave me everything it'd never be enough yeah
My black coffee with sugar no cream in the morning
You're my super double caffeine dream yeah

Your precious darkness got me so
Strung out and lovin' the way that you
Got me so wide open, my baby doll
Jonesin' and fienin' under my skin
My nerves are screamin' when you're not here
See baby I need ya sugar
You're so delicious

There is somethin' about your love
That makes me just want to open up
Your flavor is the sweetest thing in life
I'm addicted to your chocolate high
Cause I want you, and I know that you want me
So let's stay close like we supposed to be
And just get high off our own supply
I'm addicted to your chocolate high
xx

im going to sleep.

random.

sorry, i got a lil carried away. so the camera was bit shaky. teehee.

ps. who knows this song?!?!?! I LOVE IT!



3oh3 & all things green.


rabbi.

tribute picture to km&dan. im coming!!! WAHAHAHAHA so happy!!!!! (:::


random signage as a passerby.


3/4 of my shoe collection (:

anyone doing anything on halloweeen?!?!?
im dressing up as minnie!

ILOVE YOU BEST FRIEND!

toodles xx

new moon.

"No! This is about my soul, isn't it?" I shouted, furious, the words exploding out of me -somehow it still sounded like a plea. "Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you- it's yours already!"

It will be as if I never existed. The words ran through my head, lacking the prefect clarity of my hallucination last night. They were just words, soundless, like print on a page. Just words, but they ripped the hole wide open and I stomped on the brake, knowing I should not drive while this incapacitated.
xx

It was so wrong to encourage Jacob. Pure selfishness. It didn't matter that I'd tried to make my position clear. If he felt any hope at all that this could turn into something other than friendship, then I hadn't been clear enough.

How could I explain so he could understand? I was an empty shell. Like a vacant house-condemned-for months I'd been utterly uninhabitable. Now I was a little improved. The front room was in better repair. But that was all-just one small piece. He deserved better than that -better than a one-room, falling down fixer-upper. No amount of investment on his part could put me back in order.

pg.270
"Go home Bella. I can't hang out with you anymore."
The silly inconsequential hurt was incredibly potent.
The tears welled up again. "Are you....breaking up with me?" The words were all wrong, but they were the best way I could think to phrase what I was asking. After all, what Jake and I had was more than schoolyard romance. Stronger.

pg.271
"Im sorry that I couldn't....before....I wish I could change how I feel about you, Jacob." I was desperate, reaching, stretching the truth so far that it curved nearly into the shape of a lie. "Maybe...maybe I could change," I whispered. "Maybe, if you give me some time...just don't quit on me now, Jake. I can't take it."

His face went from anger to agony in a second. One shaking hand reached out towards me.

pg. 273
The pity made it final somehow. I didn't comment.

Not as bad! Not as bad! My mind tried to comfort me. It was true. This wasn't as bad. This wasn't the end of the world, not again. This was just the end of what little peace there was left behind. That was all.

Not as bad, I agreed, then added, but bad enough.

I'd thought Jake had been healing the hole in me -or at least plugging it up, keeping it from hurting me so much, I'd been wrong. He'd just been carving out his own hole, so that I was now riddled through like Swiss cheese.

pg.371
I thought I knew how Juliet would feel.
She wouldn't go back to her old life, not really. She wouldn't ever have moved on, I was sure of that. Even if she had livedf until she was old and gray, every time she closed her eyes, it would have been Romeo's face she saw behind her lids.

What if there were more to Paris?
What if Paris had been Juliet's friend? Her very best friend? What if he was the only one she could confide in about the whole devastating thing with Romeo? The one person who really understood her and made her feel halfway human again? What if he was patient and kind? What if he took care of her? What if Juliet couldn't survive without him? What if he really loved her, and wanted her to be happy?

And...what if she loved Paris? Not like Romeo. Nothing like that, of course. But enough that she wanted him to be happy, too?

If Romeo was really gone, never coming back, would it have mattered whether or not Juliet had taken Paris up on his offer? Maybe she should have tried to settle into the leftover scraps of life that were left behind. Maybe that would have been as close to happiness as she could get.

I sighed, and then groaned when the sigh scraped my throat. I was reading too much into the story. Romeo wouldn't change his mind. That's why people still remembered his name, always twined with hers: Romeo and Juliet. Thats why it was a good story. "Juliet gets dumped and ends up with Paris" would have never been a hit.

pg. 547
"So eager for eternal damnation," he muttered.
"You know you don't really believe that."
"Oh, don't I?" he fumed.
"No. You don't."
He glowered at me and started to speak, but I cut him off.
"If you really believed that you'd lost your soul, then when I found you in Volterra, you would have realized immediately what was happening, instead of thinking we were both dead together. But you didn't -you said 'Amazing, Carlisle was right," I reminded him, triumphant. "There's hope in you, after all."
For once, Edward was speechless.
"So let's both just be hopeful, all right?" I suggested. "Not that it matters. If you stay, I don't need heaven."
He got up slowly, and came to put his hands on either side of my face as he stared into my eyes. "Forever," he vowed, still a little staggered.

I doubt I need to wager my bets on whether this movie will be good.

hum-dee-dum

sometimes im so impulsive i hate myself for it.
on the upside, it makes me so happy, its disgusting.
can someone be disgustingly happy that it annoys those less happy?
is it so ironic that everyone around me reads me like a fkn children's novel -that's novelty in itself.
gosh, id love to share my stories one day.
but for now, today, im happy just being oblivious to the world
gotta love being carefree
toodles
xx

edit: time, 10:25 pm.
i saw my liquid dreams become reality.
i never should have gone online.
how long can i avoid?
:(

twilight.

"Okay then." I glared at him, and continued slowly. "Let's say, hypothetically of course, that...someone...could know what people are thinking, read minds, you know -with a few exceptions."

"Just one exception," he corrected, "hypothetically."

"All right, with one exception, then." I was thrilled that he was playing along, but I tried to seem causal.

"How does that work? What are the limitations? How would...that someone...find someone else at exactly the right time? How would he know she was in trouble?" I wondered if my convoluted questions even made sense.

"Hypothetically?" he asked.

"Sure."

"Well, if..that someone..."

Let's call him 'Joe,'" I suggested.

He smiled wryly. "Joe, then. If Joe had been paying attention, the timing wouldn't have needed to be quite so exact." He shook his head, rolling his eyes. "Only you could get into trouble in a town this small. You would have devastated their crime rate statistics for a decade, you know."

"We were speaking of a hypothetical case," I reminded him frostily.

He laughed at me, his eyes warm.

"Yes, we were," he agreed. "Shall we call you Jane?"

"How did you know?" I asked, unable to curb my intensity. I realized I was leaning towards him.

best passage ive read by far. i fell in love.

scandal.

i fell in love.

fb is not my friend

pls somebody teach me how to check fb without getting depress?
just one more day then i can let my emotions devour my soul kk
xx


ps. im going to 3oh!3 and sia concert. uber excited!
and i want nude patent shoes. already decided which too. hoho.

hehe.

so cute right??
looks like me WAHAHAHAH
ok studying makes you crazy X_X

toodles
xx

greetings

I AM CAPRICIOUS k(:

ps. to my lovely, happiest bday. i miss you with warmest regret. i owe u one tff whee* mish yoo xx
pps. im hungry :(

i realize,

ITS THE SILENT GUNS WHICH GOES BOOMBOOMxx

[edit]
btw, my friggin jaw hurts like a motherb*tch
my face is swollen like a friggin watermelon.
3 of my molars are crying "let me out".

ps. mommy is listening but cant do shit at the moment.
any suggestions on the blue pill/the red one?

somebody phish take away the pain.
i need to stop popping advils :(

i need a smoke xx

Dalai lama instructions for life

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three res.
a) Respect for self,
b) Respect for others, and
c) Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

eminem.

this is one of the best marketing schemes ive seen. pr ppl pls take note xx

fkn awesome song, eminem



Walk my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
All be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what I'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find
Looking shit through each other's eyes

I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor
Everything is so tense and gloom
I almost feel like I gotta check the temperature in the room
Just as soon as I walk in
It's like all eyes on me
So I try to avoid any eye contact
Cause if I do that then it opens a door to conversation
Like I want that...
I'm not looking for extra attention
I just want to be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room
Maybe just point me to the closest restroom
I don't need fu-cking man servin'
Tryin to follow me around, and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack
And half of them ain't even funny like that
Ahh Marshall, you're so funny man, you should be a comedian, god damn
Unfortunately I am, but I just hide behind the tears of a clown
So why don't you all sit down
Listen to the tale I'm about to tell
Hell, we don't have to trade our shoes
And you don't have to walk no thousand miles

badass xx

Forbes 400.

aku masih ada masa melayar internet.

forbes 400.com

America's superrich are getting poorer. For only the fifth time since 1982, the collective net worth of The Forbes 400, our annual tally of the nation's richest people, has declined, falling $300 billion in the past 12 months, from $1.57 trillion to $1.27 trillion.

Hurt the most: Warren Buffett, America's second-richest citizen. The Oracle of Omaha dropped $10 billion from his personal balance sheet as shares of Berkshire Hathaway ( BRK - news - people ) fell 20% in 12 months. He is now worth $40 billion.

Beating out Buffett for the 16th straight year as America's richest man is Microsoft ( MSFT - news - people ) co-founder Bill Gates. Sluggish Microsoft shares and declining outside investments pushed the software visionary's net worth down $7 billion in 12 months.

Rounding out the top 10 on The Forbes 400: Oracle founder Larry Ellison ($27 billion); Wal-Mart ( WMT - news - people ) heirs Christy Walton ($21.5 billion), Jim C. Walton ($19.6 billion), Alice Walton ($19.3 billion), and S. Robson Walton ($19 billion); media maven Michael Bloomberg ($17.5 billion) and energy titans Charles and David Koch ($16 billion each).

The 10 richest Americans lost a combined $39.2 billion in the past 12 months, a 14% decline.

Other big losers include casino mogul Kirk Kerkorian, whose nest egg shed $8.2 billion in the past year. Shares of his gambling giant MGM Mirage ( MGM - news - people ) have fallen 90% from their October 2007 high.

Also hitting the brakes: Enterprise Rent-A-Car founder Jack C. Taylor. The rental car titan's fortune is down $7 billion in a year as the travel industry slows and private-company valuations fall.

The biggest gainer is banker Andrew Beal, who tripled his net worth to $4.5 billion buying up cheap loans and assets as the markets crumbled last fall.

Membership on the list was made easier as the price of admission dropped $350 million, from $1.3 billion last year to $950 million this year, paving the way for 19 new members and 19 returnees.

Newcomers to the list include Marvel Entertainment ( MVL - news - people ) chief Isaac Perlmutter, whose net worth soared to $1.55 billion after Disney ( DIS - news - people ) agreed to buy the superhero outfit in August for $4 billion in cash and stock.

Other new members include Bloomberg LP co-founder Charles Zegar ($1 billion), mapping-software magnate Jack Dangermond ($2 billion) and trading titan Steven Schonfeld ($1 billion).

Former New York lawyer and accountant Jeffry Picower makes his debut on The Forbes 400 with a net worth of $1 billion. A longtime investor with Bernard Madoff, he is likely worth billions more (Picower is alleged to have extracted billions of dollars from Madoff's fund before it collapsed).

Picower and his foundation are named in a lawsuit by the liquidator for Madoff's investment business, who is seeking to recover funds allegedly obtained through "fraudulent activity." Picower claims if he knew Madoff was a fraud he would not have transferred money into Madoff accounts.

In December 2008, the Picower Foundation shut down after losing its $1 billion endowment in Madoff's Ponzi scheme. The charity had given millions to MIT, Human Rights First and the New York Public Library. Picower made his first fortune selling medical device maker Alaris in 2004.

Among those returning is venture capitalist Michael Moritz, who rode Amazon's purchase of online shoe retailer Zappos and surging Google ( GOOG - news - people ) stock back onto the list.

Divorce forced Google exec Omid Kordestani from the rankings, while R. Allen Stanford lost his billionaire status when the feds froze his assets after charging him with allegedly running an $8 billion Ponzi scheme.

Several Forbes 400 mainstays also fell off the list, including former Citigroup ( C - news - people ) czar Sanford Weill, mall developer Matthew Bucksbaum and condo kingpin Jorge Perez.

Six members died, including glass giant William Davidson and newspaper maven Frank Batten Sr.

The Forbes 400 is a snapshot of wealth on Sept. 10, 2009. Gap ( GPS - news - people ) co-founder Donald Fisher, who ranks No. 296 on our list, died Sept. 27 at his home in San Francisco at age 81.

Current stock on the rise,
Citigroup
Jp Morgan
Bank of America

Ma, can i be so rich in the future? I wana work at Blackrock. whine*

...

Just waiting for proof that there's sunsets and silhouette dreams
All my sand castles fall like the ashes of cigarettes

currently loving this song.



I'm leaving you
I'm not sure if that’s what I should do
It hurts so bad
I'm wanting you but cant go back
Trying to find, to find
That all elusive piece of mind
Stuck here somehow
Shrouded beneath my fear
And now I don’t need it

Head in the clouds

Seem like my life is getting on now.
I secured a 2nd pt job today for next yr.
The remuneration is sehr gut.
Hoping to get a 3rd pt job in summer.
Filling my time..

He called me again n I didn't know what to say.
I opt not to pick up the phone.
I told u I needed security.
I told u I needed many things to the extent I forgot what I've told u.
I told u about opportunities n wasted opportunities.
I told u all about me.

I really hate u.
My eyes painted red with regret.

why somedays I love,
other days I hate,
most days I hurt?

in summary,

1. 'trying' to stay skinny is so hard.

indulgence+sad+boredom
2. yesterday, i made a HUGE sale $2xxx.

1 krazykat, 17 items, so proud of myself.

she said i made the biggest sale ever!
3. i might be getting another pt job during the summer.
4. just tell me id be lucky.

just tell me ill get into mll314.
5. i want to get x1leather bag & white linen skirt frm country road.

20% off pls?
6. can ppl stop giving me empty promises?!

its driving me crazy!
7. 500 days of summer, literally id cry for that boy.

literally 500 days of summer.
8. annoyed yesterday.

the vanilla cake was too sweet.
9. i spend money like crazy.

even more when im sad.
10. you are the bluest light.

i have no life.



outside there's a box car waiting,
outside we wait 'til face turns blue



I still feel you and the taste of cigarettes
What could I ever run to
Just tell me it's tearing you apart
Just tell me you cannot sleep

to that boy who will always have a piece of me,

i really hope you're happy now.
& i wish you manage to find the happiness in life,
the one we said we'd look for together.
i hope you will still chase your dreams,
never give them up, never let them go.
& i wish you will find it,
everything you're looking for,
more happiness than when you were with me.

i shall call you dearest,
jibbles
xx

500 days of summer was like reliving a memory.
Running around in ikea,
The penis game,
Pancakes, loads n loads of pancakes.
I did all that.
Those stories were not just told to anyone, u had to earn it.
Xx

love of mine.

hello universe,

today, im finally done with assignment (;

-just a little something i wanted to share before i schleeeep.
im into headbands. lol

cute right?

ps. i love my top too. it has cute heart buttons. love it.

pardon the mess on my bed. its undone.

anyway, just wanted to say hi before exams starts (in 5weeks!)

enjoy the song


Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

nite xx

love song.

in my eyes she can do no wrong
in her mind i'm a little child
she's the words in my favorite song
but to her i am juvenile



x-factor -danyl johnson. im rooting for you.
please go watch it. you'll start feeling fuzzy.


postsecret.

toodles.
xx

damage control

source: postsecret

xx

dollhouse

Adelle,
Everyone has their first date and the object is to hide your flaws
And then you’re in a r/s and its all about hiding your disappointment
Then once you’re married, its about hiding your sins

non post.

i have an addictive nature & i hate you for it.
im enjoying my days alone. alone.
not talking to anyone, not going out, not smsing, not online.
ive dissapeared till i get my act together.

push? its great.
http://fairyshare.com/watch-920cc72535eca0157
http://fairyshare.com/watch-77dcea24d4e641fcd

Melissa x Vivienne Westwood

OTT and just the way i like it.

My next big shoe buy AKA lady dragon
I want it all (:

I like the blue, salmon and pearl one.
HOW?!

who takes the cake?

what do you know?
im emo.
its already the 4th week, 1/3 of my semester gone.

i havent started on assignment(s)/study.
i havent been waking up for classes.
i havent been a top notch attendee, tutes/lectures.
i havent i havent i havent.

only god knows my books/study guide/readings are all still in lovely plastic bubble wrap.
and now im trying to over-compensate with effinloads of soup/study.

this sucks balls.
who ate consistency?

the warning.

sunday muse.

Sunday Life: is social media making me anti-social? by Mia Freedman

I think I’m losing my social skills. The evidence is mounting and it’s becoming hard to ignore. Consider this: I prefer emails and texts to voices. My mobile is always switched to silent. When my home phone rings, my reaction is usually ‘startled’ followed by ‘miffed’. My distaste for small-talk has escalated to the point where I’d prefer to stay home with my laptop than have to make chit chat with strangers.....

More evidence: l’ve become increasingly reluctant to ambush my friends with unannounced phone calls. Lately, I find myself texting them first to flag that I’ll be calling. I do this so they’re prepared when they hear my voice. Prepared for what, is unclear.

From an early age I’ve preferred to communicate in writing. Instead of throwing tantrums as a kid, I used to write notes to whichever member of my family had cheesed me off, explaining in detail why I didn’t like them, why my life wasn’t fair and why I’d decided to run away from home. I never did actually run away. The act of writing down my feelings somehow diffused them and I’d wander off for a snack instead.

And perhaps this is exactly why I’m drawn to writing. For me, the act of committing words to paper or a screen helps me to organise my thoughts and articulate them more clearly. In conversations, I can ramble and so more and more over the years, I find myself eschewing talking for typing.

It’s not that I don’t like people. I do. I like people very much. My girlfriends and my family are my lifeblood. Even people I don’t know fascinate me. I’m innately curious about everyone. It’s just that I find electronic communication easier. Faster. More efficient.

Part of this is a gender thing. One of the best yet most challenging aspects of being female is having the ability to mentally multi-task within a single conversation. This is both nifty and exhausting. It’s also a time-sucker because it leads to lengthy phone conversations as you dart about the place, jumping from subject to subject with endless tangents. Socially, these are the only type of phone calls most women are capable of. I don’t think I’ve ever spoken to a girlfriend on the phone for less than 10 minutes. And in that time we will barely skim the surface. There’s just so much to catch up on. Her life, my life, our jobs, kids, partners, gossip about people we will never meet, future plans to catch-up…..the list of subjects to cover is endless. And to skip any of them would seem plain rude. Ruder than not calling at all.

Electronic communication is a discipline. It doesn’t encourage tangents. Or verbosity.

Lately, I’ve been trying to explain this to my son when he asks why I don’t call a friend instead of texting her. “I don’t have TIME” I’ll sigh as he looks at me, puzzled. “But why can’t you just say: ‘Hi, do you want to go out for dinner on Saturday night?’ and they’ll answer and then you say goodbye and hang up.” Ah, youth. Male youth. “Look, it’s just not possible to have such a basic conversation when you’re female,” I explain. “If I call, I’ll be forced to chat, and ask and answer questions for 20 minutes AT LEAST which would be fine at another time BUT NOT NOW WHEN MUMMY IS ON DEADLINE.” Okay?

And then I read an interview with a neuroscientist called Susan Greenfield who warns that too much time spent communicating online could effectively ‘rewire’ the brain. [itals][“We know how small babies need constant reassurance that they exist,”[itals] she told a UK newspaper. [itals]“My fear is that these technologies are infantilising the brain into the state of small children who are attracted by buzzing noises and bright lights, who have a small attention span and who live for the moment.”[itals]
Now, Ms Greenfield was actually referring to kids who spend too much time on their computers playing video games and instant messaging each other but she could easily have been talking about me. Terrific. I already knew I had a short concentration span but I’m not thrilled to discover it’s on par with my baby. Or a goldfish.

For those of us who love texting and Twitter and email and all things online, we’re losing the ability to prioritise our communication. Technology is a pushy, queue-jumping little bugger. It’s easy to confuse immediacy with importance, which is why I will answer an email in the middle of writing this column. Or reply to a stupid text in the middle of a wonderful dinner with girlfriends I haven’t seen in months.

Real communication – face-to-face or voice-to-voice – is messy and that’s what makes it wonderful. It’s spontaneous and unpredictable. You can’t control it. You can’t abruptly terminate it when you’ve had enough and you can’t be sure that someone will let you finish what you want to say. Electronic communication, while cleaner, can also be narcissistic. In writing, nobody can interrupt you. Maybe that’s why I like it so much.

Do you think technology is changing your social skills? Do you prefer social media to socialising? Typing to talking?

source: mia, postsecret

pictorials

im feeling abit emo today.

source: postsecret, youtube and me.

on my mind.

Hello, meet shopaholic_k. Firstly, my net is so super slow $%^# b/c the sibling and i ran over this months limit *whine* So no fb/msn/whatever technological advancement I'm not uptodate with for the time being.

In 3+1 weeks I've bought
x3 blazers, nude, black, grey (seriously cant get enough of them)
x1 red wool peacoat
x1 backpack (best buy ever!), x2 patent black bags
Total damage $514 aud

and I'm going to buy some metal studs (gunmetal and silver) over at spike&studs.
Yesterday, the sibling asked me whether i wanted anything from asos (NOW DO I?!)
x1 heart bag
x1 cupcake bag
x1 sling bag
Total damage (inc studs) $71aud.
its alright i suppose, comparatively.

I can only ever imagine a future coming home and hiding away more&more clothes.
Please, slap me with shopaholic handcuffs.
Why do people pick and choose what they want to buy?!
Cant we have it all?! *pout*
And how am i ever going to save up for a bag??

Also, my new love is mia freedman.
She is the epitome of chic read and my favourite sunday columnist. me love.
ps. i also love chic lit.

Besides that, I may have just replicated what I had for brunch for dinner too *excited*
I just ate a toasted piece of multigrain bread topped with rocket leaves, smoked salmon, cream cheese and gherkins. ooo. sexy.

and, im a little backdated with my post so enjoy.

Bag lust

miu miu vitello. this is sex -i think i may just break my piggy and get one.


proenza schouler ps1.

Shoe porn, and im going to have enough single one of you.

ashish leopard wedges
how cute are these wedges?! omg. i love them.
ps. i also want leopard tights.





tony bianco red suede
anything red and leather, im in.

tony bianco nude patent

i think "nude" is the new black.


ed westwick.

first time im swooning over an actor.

now this is british sex -& britain's best export ever.


im currently in love with this song

mstkkrft -heartbreaker

love the lyrics, love the beat.

love it love it.

Remember when, I caught your eye,
You gave me rainbows and butterflies,
We did enjoy a happiness,
When our love was over, I was such a mess,
I smiled at you and you smiled back,
That's when I knew, there's no turning back,
You said you loved me and I did too,
Now though it's over, I still love you

feeling fat

It should be easy to write about feeling fat, after all I have ample experience to draw from. The problem is that accompanying every thought I have, each memory uncovered, is a gust of shame that slams the door quick shut. I’ll happily dissect almost any topic you care to name, in great detail if you’re up for it, and I’m not really known for my secretive nature. Let the conversation run to fat, however, and I’m a quivering mass of avoidance spiked with a hefty dose of repression.

It would have been sweet to throw denial into this mix, but it’s just not an option when you’re fat. You can banish scales, cover every mirror and adopt the kaftan as your signature garment, but you can’t avoid other people. There’s always someone ready to let you know you’re fat (just in case you hadn’t noticed). Whether it’s someone who loves you and just wants to help, or someone who doesn’t and aims to hurt, the message reads the same: ‘You’re fat, don’t you know it?’

Humiliation hovers just a heartbeat away, striking when you’re least prepared. The doctor who looked me up and down and sighed, “I do hate to see an attractive young woman looking like a baby elephant,” was a shining example. I took it lying down, sweating on the slick vinyl of the examination table, accepting the insult as my due. But then I was only 19. And a size 14.
Casual cruelty can bite, but the unintended barb also stings deep, like the parking warden who says,“Look love, just let them know and they’ll probably let you off.” “Let them know what?” you ask, cringing already. “That you’re pregnant,” he says, slowly and kindly. So kindly you don’t have the heart to tell him he’s 11 months out of date.

The thing is, I haven’t always been fat, I’m not always fat and I hope I won’t always be fat. Sometimes I wish I had a sign, or a T-shirt, signalling this vital fact for the casual scrutiny of each passing stranger. As it is I have a carefully edited selection of photographs snappily titled Exhibit A: For the Defense. This album tells the story of half a life, the half my vanity considers acceptable. I sometimes leaf through it and ache at the sadness and futility of my periodic vanishing act. Present yet invisible, missing in action, cut from the scene. Do the kids, flicking through, ever wonder where I went? I know precisely where I was, grimly and firmly positioned behind the camera, and why. Until suddenly, wonderfully, miraculously, I materialise again. I fit my jeans again, and therefore the picture. I’m smiling, showing off the cake, helping wield that great big knife, there, right in the centre of it all. Then I’m gone again, hiding, dancing around the edges of the frame, determined not to spoil this perfect day.

It catches up with you though; catches you out in sly, unforeseen moments. Showing wedding photos to a friend, her daughter stares at the deliriously slender bride on the page and then at the all-too-solid me. “Is that from when you were skinny?” she asks. No, sweetie, I’ve never been skinny, only by comparison. Her mother is mortified; I’m inured to it, tempered by decades of deflecting compliment and insult alike. It can be hard to tell the two apart. Not every fat girl has a pretty face, but almost every one will hear it. Curvy and voluptuous are offered up as some kind of consolation prize when you long to be a sylph; slender, fragile, deserving of protection.

They say that inside every fat person is a thin person screaming to get out. I’ve met my thin person; I’m a periodically lenient custodian and there have been long periods of compassionate leave. What they think is that inside every fat person there is a stupid, lazy person. It’s simple, they say: ‘Just eat less and move more and you won’t be a stupid, lazy fat person any more!’ Clearly it’s not simple; if it were we wouldn’t be having this conversation. What complicates the ‘energy in, energy out’ equation is the mystery of the individual psyche. The formula may be true in isolation, but in the real world we’re missing something crucial. Knowing this is not about making excuses, it’s about trying to understand the reasons why. I’ve never met a fat person who relished their rolls; who patted them proudly as the visible reward for a job well done; who wants this.

I can just remember what it was like to live free from the shadow of my unruly body. I was six and my brothers and I were playing in the paddling pool, squirting each other with the hose. I know that day was real; there’s a photograph on record, a faded black-and-white portrait that conjures up a suburban ‘70s childhood in all its buffalo grass glory. I stand, legs planted and tummy thrust defiantly, unselfconsciously, forward, wearing nothing but delight upon my face. I know that day I did not feel as though I took up more space than life had allotted me. After that, everything changed, because after that I knew I was fat. There was no dramatic dénouement, no cutting comment or casual revelation, just a creeping realisation. Turning through the album, it’s always there; the knowledge that, once gained, colours every moment, flickers in the background of every memory, dims every snapshot. Don’t be fooled by the smile, look instead to the eyes, to the uncertain need that blossoms darkly.

I know I am not my body; that I am more than what I weigh. I’m smart, nurturing and occasionally amusing. I’m fiercely loyal and my love, once given, is hard to break. I want to believe none of that changes with the size of my waist, but the truth is, something does. It was a good year the year I met my husband. I entered it in pleasingly neat form, and the thrill of love whittled me down to a place approximating slenderness. I felt full of love, worthy of love, and that made me easy to love, but nothing that good can last forever. Flick through the pages and watch for the gaps; if you look closely that’s where you’ll see the truth. That’s where I’ve hidden the yo-yo diets and wild weight swings. They’ve been expunged from the record except for the odd shadow on the wall, or the rare, undetected background appearance. The knowledge that shames me isn’t that I feasted and fasted, but that I smuggled a secret, other self into our life.

There’s a point over which I find myself almost unbearable. I’m so consumed with disgust at the heft of my weakness that all emotion is tainted. I become prickly, needy, defensive. I cannot love this version of me, so how could you? The simple votive acts of affection become trials to be negotiated. Snuggling on the sofa becomes a tortuous attempt to outwit physics, to dissolve my
mass in case the gravity of it suffocates your love. Entwined limbs lose their languor; the more there is of me, the less there seems to be of you. My bulk becomes ballast, a bulwark around my heart.

This is the heartbreaking, life-sapping crux of the matter, the sheer emotional waste, the relentless anxiety and self-absorption. Oh, and my constant companion: guilt. At what I eat, when I eat, why I eat, sometimes even that I eat. There’s a voice in your head, in your ear,
at your back, hissing through the greatest-hits compilation of every taunt you’ve ever heard, and the ones you haven’t. You can dim it but you can’t turn it off; your own little bully travels with you. In your normal, sensible heart you know the effort of maintaining this half life is equal to that required to do something about it, yet somehow it’s easier to stay where you are, sitting on your fat bottom and hating it.

Inside every fat person dwells eternal hope. Hope that this time next year, we’ll be front and centre of the photograph, wreathed in smug satisfaction instead of surplus chins. I know that hope is real if only I can grasp it. The how is easily sorted – ‘energy in, energy out’ is a fact, not an accusation – but it’s pointless without the why. Anyone can do it for a day, a month, even a year. I’ve done that and more, but eventually the how slinks away and it’s back to the fat bottom of despair. This is what I’ve learned, that the how without the why is like a wheel without an axle; full of potential but prone to spectacular accidents. The problem with my body is all in my head and, for the first time, it’s there I have to go if I want a real solution.

francesca newby

the blog is dead..

so im going to revive it.


I think Ive been avoiding blogging in the past couple of months. I dont really know why exactly but I think it was because I didn't want anyone to hear my thoughts or post anything about how I have been feeling. Basically, the simplest solution was just to avoid?


Anyway, i need to write about something (which i have been wanting to get off my chest for ages now) but just couldn't do it. You could call it sheer stubbornness/having too much pride. Really, it doesn't matter to me. (not anymore that is)

Ray, of course, everyone knows Ive been with him for almost half a decade (which is a very long time), through the ups and downs and if i remember correctly, most have heard of the downs, if not, nothing at all. I would like to clarify that. He was not all bad and there was a time we were not like how we are today. We use to do everything together like a normal (happy) couple and really enjoyed each other's company. I mean I still do enjoy his company even now (especially when its cold or when my feet are cold..) and its just nice having someone always around either to hug, cuddle, talk, eat etc.

From my memory, we used to go out shopping everyday because I was (and still am) such a shopaholic. We used to skip classes together and sleep in. We used to go out for midnight mc/kfc runs (because he was such a huge fan of fast food) and of course, after the run (without a car), we would walk around the block for about a good half an hour, even during winter -because I would want to "work it off" after. He use to drive to my place everyday to pick me up, wait for me at my appointments (seems like I had more things to do/he willingly gave up the things he liked doing just to be with me) or wait around because I couldnt decide what/how to wear or if I would look fat in "that". I use to constantly ask him (daily) am I fat. Thinking back, even I would hate that question after 3 years of listening to it. And that was just a small part of the time we enjoyed together.

Needless to say, how could I hate the guy I spent most of my adolescence growing up with? I don't hate Ray, simply because I've stopped speaking to him, stopped speaking about him, stopped everything with him. No, I dont hate him. If anything, I still love him very much and he will always be my baby.

Maybe Ill do a postie just on this next time. hm.
xx

Lately, Ive been having less "heart to heart" talks with myself aka self talk especially since I started uni. (Previously, I thought I was either going crazy/setting myself to be a shizo?) Truthfully, I do feel lonely -sort of like a limb detached from me but I think Im handling it better now. I've been making friends (new and old) recently. Really good ones too and not the bad sort. I thought I would head down the same "bad" path again, spin out of control (assuming that was what I loved) but its different now. I enjoy being a goodyx2 as unfortunate as that may sound. Besides, my course doesn't allow me to be a little devil either (no choice!) and daddy is so proud of me nowadays..So now I am trying to maintain this new head I've got on and see where it will take me. Of course I still have fat days and nobody to talk to about it (what to do) but I guess nowadays I just sleep on it (literally) cz I am so tired everyday. And of course, I am not as optimistic as this everyday. Somedays I hide it better than other days. Other times I forget. hehe.

But most of all, I think God is calling me back to him, asking me to stop doing all my stupid things and start living in his name again. I know it sounds a little ironic and hard to believe. Let me give you an example. Over the past years, I have been questioning my own capabilities in getting things done. I became very confused and had little (if any) faith in myself. Recently, I feel much better since I started praying again (especially when my exam results were coming out) and Ray and everything. Miracles do happen and right now, I can say Im pretty much ready to accept God's work again but still there is the playful side of me which wants to break free but its minimizing (either that or I am just becoming plain boring). Anyhow, I do hope he gives me a sign/strength to refrain from temptation and help me a little bit along the way. I guess I dont want to dissapoint him again. All I can say now is I am very grateful to be where I am/close to where I was a long time ago.

Having said that, as you can see even the way I write is very different from before too.

Lastly, I want to thank God for a few things.
That I met Ray.
That I manage to pass all my exam last sem
That I am part of a mentoring program
That I made friends who are so helpful and patient
That I am closer with my family even daddy

And i pray that God will give me strength/bless me with
An internship (because I plainly suck at that)
Continue in the mentoring program for another semester
Set up my store and sell
Study and not feel tired all the time (so I can get some Ds)
Not lose my pt job
Gain a little bit more confidence (I think Im doing well)
Assignment, mediation etc.
and guide me towards the direction/life he wants me to lead.

I think ive said too much.
Im gonna shower and play my DS (:

“We have courage in God’s presence, because we are sure that he hears us if we ask him for anything that is according to his will.” (1 John 5: 14)

random rant

It breaks my heart re-reading the messages only to find they appear more detached and shorter. The fewer words written, the more lasting the impact/hurt. I wish I could delete them. I wish I could delete you.

AND THAT MAKES ME ANGRY!
xx

Btw, I passed all my units.
Daddy Keah is so proud (he smsed me)
and I, Im so attached.

Ps. Yes, God really answers prayers. (IMO)
xx

glam lit

A Week in the Life of the Ethnically Indeterminate

Monday
Sitting in MacDonalds on 103rd & 3rd
I notice a couple staring at me
and hear them say Indian.
They walk towards me.
The woman has white skin,
blond hair, blue eyes.
The man has ebony skin,
black hair, brown eyes.
Excuse me, says the woman,
we were wondering
where you were from.
Yeah, says the man
because you look like
our people.
I look at the whiteness
and the blackness,
wondering who their people are.
We're Puerto Rican, they say
and walk away.

Tuesday
Walking to the store
in Crown Heights I see
an African-American man
sitting behind a table
selling incense and oils
he calls out sister, hey sister,
baby and then makes a noise
like he's calling a cat.
I don't respond.
On the way back
from the store
he calls out, mira, mira,
hey baby,
in any language,
English, Feline or Spanish
I don't respond.

Wednesday
I am buying lunch
at the falafel stand
on 68th and Lex
and the man serving me asks,
you from Morocco?
No, I say, Cyprus.
Where's Cyprus? he asks.
Above Egypt
to the left of Israel
and below Turkey.
Oh, he says looking blank.
How much for the falafel, I ask?
For you three dollars.
For Americans three fifty.
I go to pay and another man
stares hard into my face
and says, Are you a Jewish chick?
No, I say, just leave me alone.
I know who you are, he screams.
I know who you are.
You're just a nigger from Harlem,
passing for white
with a phony accent.
Nigger, he repeats
as I walk away.

Thursday
My boss calls me up.
I have a funny question
to ask you, he says.
When you fill out forms
what do you write for ethnicity?
I check other, I say.
Well, I have to fill out this form
and it doesn't have other.
We look really bad on paper.
all the positions of power are white
and all the support staff are black.
Could you be Asian?

Friday
I am with my Indian immigration lawyer.
Do you mind if I ask you
a personal question, he says.
Go ahead, I say, thinking
he is going to ask me
how I've reached my mid thirties
and have never been married.
But instead he says,
I know you're a Cypriot
from London
but do you have
any Indian blood in you?
There are so many
mixed marriages these days
and you look like the offspring.

Saturday
I am at a conference
and a European-American woman
looks at me excitedly
as though she's just won a prize.
Oh, I know where you’re from, she says
my daughter-in-law is an Indian
with a British accent too.
I'm not Indian, I say.
She continues to not see me
as she concentrates on
hiding her anger
for not winning the trophy
in her self-imposed
guess the ethnicity competition
and then she walks away.

Sunday
I go to lunch at the home of a friend
whose family are Africans of the diaspora.
They don't ask me where I'm from.
Later, my friend tells me,
They've decided you’re
a biracial Jamaican.

That evening,
I'm at a poetry reading
and an African-American woman
crosses the room
to ask me this question,
Are you the colonized
or the colonizer?
What do you think, I ask.
You could be both, she responds
and walks away

elena

inevitable

i need a sign, where do i head to.
its only the second day but im closing in.
i feel weak, and ive lost hope.
and although the feeling has been there all along, now its happening so fast.
we laughed, we cried.
now we move forward without the other.
as each hour grows, the seconds tempt me.
my will is strong.
but for how long?

out tomorrow, morning walk.
weather: cold, wet

sunday go away.

god, im working for the next 2 days.
pray that i will see daylight..my legs are about to buckle.
why is today so busy?!
right, there is a 50% markdown on the window display. figures.
so i bought a red wool coat, $200 down to $100 -which im gonna do some alterations to.
then it'd be a cool 3 way jacket

besides that, ive started on my new pet project, the elastic bra top. its cute. really.
im manhandling it so it fits right in those areas..
-will do a huge postie once im done.
and lastly, ive also been waiting on my etsy bags to arrive.

ps. i made some herbal chicken (fatfree) soup. omg. so so good. x mama chops cook

Has anyone played sally's spa? it's the cutest thing ever!
btw, if im not making sense, its because i am absolutely t.i.r.e.d.

must find the determination to start my cover letter!.
bludge.

off to the gym
xoxo

zero-ing on the wishlist. smug

addicted to ebay/etsy.
you-gotta-try-it especially during exam period.
its gotta calming effect.
honest.

ps. also addicted to white apple tree.
snowflake,
please help me find
x1 heart bag
x1 nude blazer
x1 grey blazer

tomorrow's big buys. HOH

im collecting ;)

too cute.

got time for a little humour?



[T Pain]
T SWIZZLE AND T PIZZLE

[Taylor Swift]
I'm like 8 foot 4, blond hair to the floor
you shorties never thought I dreamed about rapping hardcore
no I ain't got a gun
no I never really been in a club
still live with my parents
but I'm still a thug

i'm so gangsta you can find me baking cookies at night
you out clubbing, but I just caramel delight
t swift and t pain rappin on the same track
it's a thug story tell me can you handle that

I had a dream last night I had high-top NIkes
I had diamonds in my mouth, and diamonds on my mic
by the time I woke up I was singing "I'M ON A BOOOOAAT"

cuz I'm a singer turned rapper
shorty I'm a make ya
straight to the top, yo
shorty I'ma take ya

you can call me T Sweezy now I'm a rap star
it's a thug story now tell them who you are
singer turned gangsta
you don't wanna fight to the top
in my extra small white tee

t swift and t pain all up on the same track
it's a thug story tell me now can you get with that

what! what! I knit sweaters yo!
what! what! don't test me [bleep]

hey hold on, hold on I didn't even say anything
WHAT?I said "yo"
YUP
you guys bleeped me and I didn't even say anything
I didn't even swear
SHE DIDN"T EVEN SWEAR
hello??

where is my mind?

or

what say you?

tomorrow stephie is going to clean out her life!
xam(s) are a killa!
im gonna chill out tomorrow HAHA
ps. im gonna get a tatt!

my mixtape (if any ones listening),
white apple tree -snowflake
the pixies -where is my mind?
death cab- the ice is getting thinner
one republic -come home
eric hutchinson -breakdown more (live)
neyo -mad
crystal castle -crimewave/ magic spells
royskopp -miss it so much
sea wolf -you're a wolf

i love indie shyt!
nitey nitey
xx

sytycd s5 & gg

who's watching this?

damn it. they disabled all embeddings on youtube!! rawrrrr

daddy the great

he would say,

propose it to me like how you would propose it to your clients.



if you had the opportunity to be great, would you stop at mediocre?

oh daddy keah, i love you.

la vie en rose.