dancedancedance.

Haruki murakami

A devastating absence hovered about my apartment. I stayed shut-in for six months. I never went out during the day, except to make the absolute minimum purchases necessary to survive. I'd venture into the city with the first gray of dawn and walk the deserted streets, and when the streets started to fill with people, I holed up back indoors to sleep.

Towards the evening I'd rise, fix something to eat, feed the cat. Then I'd sit on the floor and methodically go over the things that had happened to me, trying to make sense of them. Rearrange the order of events, list up all possible alternatives, consider the right or wrong of what I'd done. This went on until the dawn, when I'd go out and wander the streets again.

For half a year that was my daily routine. From January through June 1979, I didn't read one book. I didn't open one newspaper. I didn't watch TV, didn't listen to the radio. Never saw anyone, never talked to anyone. I hardly even drank; I wasn't in a drinking frame of mind. I had no idea what was going on in the world, who'd become famous, who'd died, nothing. It wasn't that I stubbornly resisted information, I simply had no desire to know anything. Even so, I knew things were happening. The world didn't stop....

I'd been damaged, badly I suppose. The damage was not petty. Blood had flowed, quietly.
_

I knew what was eating her. We got along well, but what she was after, the image in her mind, was somewhere else, not where I was. She wanted a kind of autonomy of communication. A scene where the hero -whose name was "Communication" -led the masses to a bright, bloodless revolution, spotless white flags waving. So that perfection would swallow imperfection and make it whole. To me, love is a pure idea forged in flesh, awkwardly maybe, but it had to connect somewhere, despite twist and turns of underground cable. An all-too-imperfect thing. Sometimes the lines get crossed. Or you get the wrong number. But that's nobody's fault. It'll always be like that, as long as we exist in this physical form. As a matter of principle.

I explained it to her. Over and over again.
Then one day she left.
_

"Sex as 'business gifts and entertainment.' Amazing, huh?"
"Advanced capitalism," I said.
_

I was beginning to understand what Hiraku Makimura meant about Ame's wearing him down. Ame didn't give anything. She only took. She consumed those around her to sustain herself. And those around her always gave. Her talent was manifested in a powerful gravitational pull. She believed it was her privilege, her right. Harmony and peace. In order for her to have that, she had everyone waiting on her hand and foot.
_

Instead of regretting what you did, you could have treated him decently from the beginning. You could've tried to be fair. But you didn't. You don't even have the right to be sorry.

Maybe I'm being too hard on you. But listen, I don't care what other people do. I don't want to hear that sort of talk from you. You shouldn't say things like that lightly, as if saying them is going to solve anything. They don't stick. You think you feel sorry for Dick, but I don't believe you really do. If I were Dick, I wouldn't want you easy regret. I wouldn't want people saying, 'Oh I acted horribly.' It's not a question of manners; it's a question of fairness. That's something you have to learn.
_

thought provoking eh?

spiderwebs.

the family and i,
we all went to play squash together yesterday.
my muscles are sore, butt aches from sitting (in the car) waaaaay too long.
berrjamming my ass into kl. godlike.

catch up,
guitar hero, i love it to death. best game eveeeerr.
the drums, the vocals, the lyrics & all that angst. gawd.
i went to the social last night.
rain's such a btch, seriously. jamjamjam xx
played circle of death. zomg.
perfect game, scaryx2.

dr. bailey says some of the best lines.

“I’m here, late at night, on Halloween, helping an earless boy get ears. And my husband wants to act like that’s not an important thing. He wants to act like it isn’t a good thing I did today . . . I missed my son’s first Halloween and my heart is aching inside of my chest but that doesn’t mean anything because, in a black and white world, I simply didn’t make it home and that makes me a bad guy. I’m always the bad guy.”
_

"I can’t share, I can’t catch up with you, I can’t talk. Because if I did – if I told you Tucker moved out, if I told you I haven’t slept alone in 12 years, if I told you that my heart hurts so much sometimes that I want to rip it from my chest with my own little hands, I would fall apart. And I don’t have time to fall apart. And not that I’m not happy to see you – I am. But I wish that you would go home so the choice to talk and fall apart would go away."
_

how i wish i was once,

then maybe, then maybe things would be different.
then maybe, then maybe i would be happy.
i tried to be a better person only to realize that "trying" to be better isn't better at all.
i can't say for sure whether times have changed.
im getting older and as you grow older things change, people change.
looking back into the open "box", i like to term as pandora.
gosh, so many memories of how things once were -easy.
did i really change in this past 3 years?
i guess gradually, yet i feel much like how i once was, although a bit more confused.
i was so happy, happy fat, happy cute, didn't exactly seem to mind or care about the what lied beyond.
i saw pictures of my old high school, near and far.
were we united only through our schooling days?
so so many memories.
all the sticker photos we took kept in that little tiny box.
do you remember how we went bowling in geelong?
or sticker photo in sunway pyramid?
rowing 06, boarding house.
how we played with the sparklers?
do you remember the daisies?
or the card you sent me?
or giving me baby pictures to keep.
picture taking moments in church.
lovely hearts.
how i miss those.
how i wish i could reverse those moments to how it once were
how i wish i could reverse those moments to how i once was.
unfortunately, sometimes things don't go as planned.
and i guess the best i can do is to always keep trying,
constantly stay positive and rebuild x3
so now, im going to start trying.
how come life is suddenly infilterated with xmany profanity?
sigh.
xx

out & about

Enjoy the pictures.

Past couple of weeks went by, like this.


Bought this for the mrs. Isn't she a beauty?


DIY x2 presents for the bestie & the sibling.
note* i finally got myself a pair of these awesome lame leggings (:
leg on the right.


pair on the left, good enough to eat. (if only they had my size) whine*
gorgeous black leather with metallic studs detail,
better than those plain converse ones.


myself being x1 irresistably geeky.
i've given up my dreams of having a fringe.
-face gets too oily,
-hair is toothpick fine
so occasionally i find myself having tousled hair, oh the shame.

lastly, mm..eurotrash,
-ms. z left me alone for waaaay too long.

happyfied.

last week:- koko black,

one of our VERY few pictures (not in a club)

i heart you so much. gawd.

mish you already

xx

overhaul...
km got me into the metal studs. sigh.
i am officially a "stud junkie" phish.

and, i found this awesome jewelry designer
now I want it all -980 USD all X_X
later..itchy fingers again.

maybe next year.
winkwink*

cant wait to be home
xoxo

hiatus.

remember i love stills?

-because exams dah over.

michael jackson turned muslim? wtf

im trying to understand the human behaviour

why certain people act a certain way and why others don't.

till then
xx

life's sweet drug.

found this uber entertaining for some unknown reason.

yes, my status is offline.

feel good drag.

today,

i cried and cried till i couldn't cry anymore.
i never felt better, sad.

honestly, i don't know how anyone can be so sure in their life.
i. just. don't. know.

he asked me, "have you ever wonder why you always don't know?"

is it that you don't know because
a. you want to leave all your options open
b. you want to continue sitting on the fence
c. you don't understand the question
d. you're just not interested in knowing

he asked me to ask myself where i want to be in 10 years time.
he said even if i didn't come up with the right answers, it'll make me a hell of a person.

as much as it hurts not knowing,
it hurts more when you really have no clue and everyone is telling you to be more certain.

study teman

sometimes talking to me would be like this-

"nice song? i only like it when flo rida says, i can't move on."

"0.02 secs."

"2 secs of the song."

o_O
xx

"deemphasizing the wtfs, moving on to godlike."

"they probably just think you game too much."
xx

o.m.g.

i just cut my notes down to a whittle 24 pages (this is little in comparison)
now to set the printing press on fire.
if you hadn't realize, i'm not very environmental friendly during exam time
(please don't shoot me)
and i most definitely CANT use a whole printer ink cartridge for half a year like ms. z

now i pun dah tukar jadi godlike, macam abang godlike.

anyway, i don't think anyone's attention span is as short as mine,
cept for ms. z who people watches.
xx

has today gone by already?
because all i felt i did today was eat, sleep and study.
xx

ok, well, i think i'm ready to pass.

good night.
xx

late night.

i changed my layout again, because fingers itchy.

seksek right?
xx

'eh why dont you do the dirty work for me?'

'oh, like that.. you may be my best frennn but everytime also i do the dirty work for you. no wonder i got the dirty name la'

hehe.
xx

'tarak, slumbe aje.'

'kc.'
xx

finance raped my ass tonight and the nights prior.
godlike.

kids,

don't try this at home.

i contracted a slight case of '....'-which translates to needle eye.
i'm sure it wasn't (please do not miscontrue)
anyway, i think it was from wearing my glasses from dusk to dawn.

so i decided to "cleanse my eye".
you know wash with the eye solvent, eye drop whatever (but i didn't have any)

well, i decided to use dettol.
burn my whole face why don't you?
lucky i didn't put you in my eye innit.

tip, never wash your face with dettol.
xx

3 more to go, must hold in excitement.

till then.
xx

dearest 2nd paper,

you scare me with a seconds heartbeat.
but we can get through this, just you and me, right?

why couldn't you have been paper no. 4?

love, steph.
xx

G.R.E.A.T, fucking great.
i went over my cap AGAIN.

ARE you happy now?

im sure you are.

loved up.

back to square one,
because i'm happy like that.